Wednesday, July 30, 2008

Read this lovely brokenhearted reflection about being a new parent.

It's weird. I am very happy. Right now, I am blissfully happily married, breathless with happiness about my work, happy as a mom, happy with where I live, pretty f.ing happy.

And I know a lot of brand new parents, and I often have a chance to talk about what Ian's infancy was like.

During Ian's infancy, I was not happy. Not happily married. Not happy where I lived. Having zero fun, which was hardly surprising, but thinking that might be a permanent state of affairs. And - this made me feel most hopeless - having lost any scrap of joy in my work. Exhausted, about to capsize on a wave of bad chemicals, desparately in love with my kid. Just overcome. You know, the usual.

And I wonder why I can't sugarcoat that. Not even a little. I cannot bring myself to tell little white lies about that first year; I'm not even tempted. Am I just mean? Selfish? It's not to make myself look good - in these stories, I am not a hero, and not a helpless victim either.

Do I just love a good story that much?

1 comment:

FugueStateKnits said...

oh man - did you just hit a chord with me! More like an artery, LOL! It's been 31 years and 2 months yesterday since my first newborn experience and my experience was at once the most wonderful thing in the world and the most heartbreaking time of my life. I couldn't figure it out - so I did it 5 more times and I still haven't figured it out except to say that you have to know who you are before you inflict what that is on a helpless newborn. The other stuff is my problem. OK I've learned a lot more than that, but that's all I really have time to say right now. I really appreciate your blogs!
Take care,
Joan
Ellicott City "merlin"
who attends St. Johns